Dr. Jeanne Robertson, Ph.D., LPC, LMFTDr. Jeanne is the Director of St. Paul's Center for Counseling & Education Part I of this two-part article is based on the paragraph quoted below, found on page 39 of the Gottman’s book, Fight Right. [I recommend Part I found on our Website blog, before continuing.]
A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective. Each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are. But the collective – whether it’s a tribe, a city, a country, [family, church, organization], or a couple – demands something very different. It demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. And it will always be there, this tension: between trying to be true to who you are in your own soul, in your own core, versus being true to the collective. This becomes the long-term work of love, of being partners for the long haul. Part I ends with this question: How does this description of what relationships are all about and what is needed to make them successful help us improve our own relationships? I hinted at the answer by saying “kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs” is the key. There are two very important concepts in the quoted paragraph: the individual and the collective. What are those and what do they mean? We are each an individual, created by God, in the image of God and incredibly unique. However, on another level we are all the same, inasmuch as we all have “individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are.” We are so alike and yet, so different. We tend to focus on what’s different when our interests, preferences, emotions, etc. don’t align with another’s. We focus on their difference from us. This, of course, makes them wrong, and us right in our own eyes. A foundation of conflict has been laid. It is now Me versus Them. That stance pushes us out of relationships. We often fail to realize that all collectives are comprised of individuals. Me vs Them simply builds greater tension. The second important concept is the collective. The paragraph on page 39 uses it to describe a city or couple, etc. A collective is a living system comprised of individual parts working together for specific goals. Families are systems. Couples are systems. Churches are systems. Schools, cities are all systems. Systems are individual parts, people in relationship working together toward the goals of the system, the collective. You cannot separate the collective, which is a system, from relationship. The system, collective, is the relationship. I will use collective and relationship interchangeably at times. The distinction I’m attempting to make is that individuals, you and me are flesh and blood humans with all the preferences, etc. above. But the collective, the relationship isn’t flesh and blood. It is a shared understanding about how we want and need things to be; it is conceptual. Marriage is a collective. The concept of marriage in The Episcopal Church is based on our Christian values. The government of the United States is based on the values found in the Constitution. The goals of each are different, but marriage and the US are both collectives. Both are made up of individuals trying to meet their own needs and the needs of the collective. A marriage is two individuals; this country is comprised of several hundred million individual people. As individuals, we are in relationship to the collective whether that is a marriage or a country or parent and child. What makes marriage, democracy, parent-child, or any collective relationship successful? The key is “kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs.” The more of this, the more successful the relationship will be. There is no Me versus Them when kindness and compassion, sensitivity to the other’s needs enter our awareness. We realize that this awareness is how to lessen the tension of the negotiation of individual versus the collective. We must also think about our own needs, wants, interests WHILE also considering the same of the other, of the collective. What might this look like if I become aware? If I take this new job, I will advance in my career. I will make more money. I will have more opportunities for advancement in the future. I receive recognition and feel good about myself. I’ll have a better house and car. This is better for everybody! Of course, I will accept the job. Wait, that is the individual. There were seven I statements. There was one Everybody statement, and it was an assumption. What of the collective, the family? Am I assuming what they want? I have a spouse and 3 kids in school. They’ve lived here their whole life and this job is across the country from here. How do I know what they want? “A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective.” I have to express my needs and also ask, discuss, work with the needs, interests, and preferences of the collective, the family. We have to come to an agreement that will best meet the needs of the whole. What compromises will we have to make? Will I be letting go of what I want this time because the needs of the others are greater? I can only know whether they are greater if I go into discussions with compassion and a sensitivity to what they need, not just my own needs and interests. And if the needs of the collective are greater, then they become my needs too because I want, need, prefer to be in a healthy relationship with the collective, my family. This is what it looks like when we turn what could be serious conflict, into connection. Kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to the other enables us to have successful relationships. However, this is only truly possible if we have that same level of kindness, awareness, compassion and sensitivity to our own needs and interests, emotions and even spirituality. Successful relationships thrive when we understand and love ourselves; when we are kind and compassionate to ourselves and do the same for the other. There is one general question we truly need to ask ourselves, and we need to be brutally honest. I mean searchingly honest with ourselves. Do I usually put myself, my needs and preferences first? Or do I tend to primarily put the needs of the other person or other people first? The answer is likely to be different in different relationships, so examine them all to help them be more successful. If the answer to either question above is yes, you will need to bring more kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to needs and preferences wherever that is missing. This is how we meet the demand of the collective, the relationship and ourselves. We become able to develop Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. Without kindness, compassion and sensitivity to our own needs, we will never be fulfilled. Without kindness, compassion and sensitivity to the needs of the collective, we have no healthy relationship. Could that be what is missing in every war? Could they end if we brought that in? Jesus told us to: Love Your Neighbor as You Love Yourself. This is what that looks like. It’s really simple. It’s really what the Presiding Bishop says: “If it’s not about love, it’s not about God.” It’s really simple. And, yes, it’s really hard work. All relationships require work. Relationship with ourselves, relationships with any collective – spouse, partner, parents, children, boss, coworkers, neighborhood, city or country require work, effort. One way to be in relationship with your city or country is to vote. That requires a certain amount of work. But we are all part of the human family and relationship is the core. It is actually the foundation upon which human life is built. If we are willing to do the work, we can have increasingly healthy and successful relationships. We will Grow in Relationships. And we will Grow in Service. And we will Grow in Christ. Blessings, Dr. Jeanne
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Dr. Jeanne Robertson, Ph.D., LPC, LMFTDr. Jeanne is the Director of St. Paul's Center for Counseling & Education Relationships – we all know what they are all about, right? We all have relationships, all sorts of relationships. We don’t need to be told what relationships are or what they’re all about because we’re in plenty of relationships and have been since the day we were born, right? Some of us even work with relationships as their career! Surely, we've got this down pat.
Well, I want to tell you, that even though I’ve been licensed in the relationship field for over 35 years, I’m still learning about relationships. Recently Fr. Rob gave me Fight Right by Julie Gottman, Ph.D. and John Gottman, Ph.D. which is on How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. The details of how to make any relationship successful flows out of the paragraph quoted below from page 39 of Fight Right by the Gottmans. “A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective. Each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are. But the collective – whether it’s a tribe, a city, a country, [family, church, organization], or a couple – demands something very different. It demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. And it will always be there, this tension: between trying to be true to who you are in your own soul, in your own core, versus being true to the collective. This becomes the long-term work of love, of being partners for the long haul.” Let’s unpack that very dense paragraph from page 39. Relationship is a constant negotiation. Negotiation is a process of working with, discussing with, another person to come to an agreement. Agreement means a kind of harmony, compatibility, not “Ok I’ll do it.” Negotiation is a process in which we use Collaboration, Cohesion and Compromise. This is how the agreement becomes one that is cooperative, compatible with the needs and preferences of both parties, even when compromise is used to reach the agreement. But if “each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression,” how can there be agreement when these aren’t the same in any two people? “Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are.” If this is true, how can we ever have successful relationships? The collective, that is, the relationship, “demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. Kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s needs is the key. This tension is what makes democracy so hard – the relationship tension between individuals and a country! It’s no different in our personal relationships. The needs of individual and the demands of the collective are still the same, with the same tensions. The tension between and among members of a family are based on the need for a constant negotiation between the individual and the collective. The level of functioning of the collective is the result or consequence of the relationship itself – between parent and child, spouses, siblings, members of an organization. If the relationship is not cooperative, the tension will make the collective a dysfunctional system. Why are so many countries at war with each this very minute? BECAUSE they are not thinking about the other’s needs. There is a lack of kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to the other country and those who are part of it. They only want what fits their interests and preferences. Too often there is an outright disregard, dismissal of the humanity of the other. But conflict only ends, as the Gottmans put it, by turning conflict into connection. This is a connection on a human level. If I don’t see the other on a human level with valid needs, preferences, emotions and interests of their own, it is much easier to dismiss them and their demands. The cost of this lack of sensitivity, compassion, and kindness is broken relationship. The individual is taking precedence over the collective/relationship. This creates an unsuccessful collective, unsuccessful relationship and is lose – lose. Successful relationships are win – win for the individual and the collective – marriages, families, countries, organizations, etc. It isn’t every interaction, it’s the long-term success of the collective that is a win for everyone. Without accepting the necessary tension between individual and collective, which means accepting the need for cooperation and all that follows from it, we all lose. The collective has goals but they tend to be intangible and often hard for the individuals to express, or even define, such as freedom. Families can have goals that seem specific. For example, in one family higher education is a goal all individuals share. Tension arises when dad wants the son to become a lawyer and the son to wants be an art teacher. How will the demands of the collective help this family reach the real goals of this family collective? Can you think through the paragraph on page 39 to find ways to help them with this question? What will they need to do? What might the actual goals of the collective be? Stay tuned for Part II of "What Makes Successful Relationships" to further examine how the above description of what relationships are all about can help us improve our own relationships. Blessings, Dr. Jeanne |
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